The husband beats and humiliates his wife in front of the children. Why does a man let his hands go? Destroying the main stereotype about victims of domestic violence

Many men believe that their wife will not go anywhere because she is property. And her husband can do whatever he wants with her. Look carefully at your friends and work colleagues. Have you noticed what is hidden behind the smile on duty? Why is your friend wearing dark glasses today, and the girl from the next department didn’t wear that very short skirt that she boasted about yesterday?

Let's look at the problem from the inside and try to figure out what to do in such a situation.

According to 2009 data, almost 80% of Russian families constantly experience domestic violence in one form or another. And, precisely, assault takes first place. A woman who has been assaulted by her husband does not turn anywhere for help. And, actually, where to call? Only call the helpline and talk to the operator, who, unfortunately, cannot help or do anything.

To stop domestic violence, it is necessary to carry out a set of measures aimed at social support and protection of women. There must be thoughtful medical, legal and psychological assistance. In Russia, at the moment, there is no such service.

The most successful experience in preventing domestic violence, oddly enough, exists in the United States. Any American woman who has been beaten by her husband can temporarily move to a social support center, where she can receive qualified help, and hide from her aggressive husband. They will help you record the fact of beatings and provide all the necessary documentation. The US resident is not alone in her problem; she has somewhere to turn. What should Russian women do?

To begin with, it is worth understanding what danger an aggressive husband poses to you and your children, and how to minimize beatings, and even better, stop them completely. Let's look at what types of male danger exist.

Flayer.

Outwardly, he is an ideal family man, always friendly, sweet and open with strangers. No one could ever say about such a person that he is capable of domestic violence. Your friends are secretly jealous that you are married to such a wonderful man. The husband is the leader at work, and in the company of friends he is the main leader. He has good taste and takes care of himself.

Beats his wife while sober. In order for him to lose his temper, one wrong word from you is enough for him. Beatings with meaning, he is sure that he is punishing you rightfully, after all, “it’s your own fault.”

Despot.

Typical tyrant. He rules the family and behaves the way he wants. Meets with friends, maybe gets drunk at home. He engages in assault just like that, he doesn’t need a reason. As a rule, the man is drunk at the time of the beatings. In the morning he will not remember what happened, and will never apologize. The psychology of a despot is very simple: “you sometimes have to beat your wife so that she knows her place.”

Jonah.

Such a man suffers from low self-esteem, he has had many failures in his life, and he tries to take out his dissatisfaction with the world and himself by beating his innocent wife. Such a man, as a rule, sometimes drinks and can walk “to the left.” By beating, he tries to show his strength in front of a weak woman. It is very difficult to identify a loser by external signs.

Rebel.

An excellent family man, loves his wife and children. He is appreciated at work and respected in the company of friends. Helps around the house, in a word, an ideal husband. He opens his hands only when he is deeply drunk and in major scandals. He will later apologize for his actions and will be very sorry for what happened.

As a rule, in such families, the woman herself is the initiator of the beatings, believing that she can tell the man anything with complete safety for herself. Remember that you can make a person angry with just words.

What to do if your married life turns into hell, you are afraid of your own husband? First of all, you should think about whether you are ready to continue living with such a man. Remember that beatings that happen once can happen again.

In the case of “Despot” and “Flayer,” you can safely call the police, they will definitely come and take away your aggressive husband for a while. And you shouldn’t be afraid of the opinions of your neighbors, relatives and friends. You are in trouble and need help.

There are special social support services, by contacting which you can receive qualified help and advice. Experienced psychologists will tell you how to behave and protect yourself from domestic violence.

It's up to you to decide, of course, but a woman does not deserve to be beaten and is not obliged to live with a man who engages in assault. Perhaps the only true solution will be divorce.

In Ufa, she immediately warned that there were no repentants at all or very few of them. “In my two years of practice, I cannot remember a case where an abuser would correct himself, and where it would be worth correcting an abuser in general,” admitted Irina.

“A favorable outcome is possible if the woman herself is knowledgeable about psychological violence (not how to use it, but how to notice and stop it) and corrects her man. But, if physical violence occurs, alas, the man cannot be corrected. Therefore, help to a woman should be twofold: teach her to notice psychological abuse and help her get away from men who allow themselves to beat their wives.

No family is better than such a bad one.

The likelihood of a good outcome depends on the degree of neglect. An abuser spoiled by power over a victim will no longer give up on her, and an abuser who has just begun to use manipulation can still become a worthy husband and father if he wants to change.

Unfortunately, women do not sound the alarm when they notice that they are being manipulated, even when they are beaten, so in my practice I have only met those whom we helped leave a man as painlessly as possible.

Nowadays there is not enough psychological education for women so that they can notice and stop the beginning of abuse against them and level out the situation. Therefore, the only way out is to inform women where abuse begins and how it ends, if not stopped. When women are more educated, then cases will begin to appear where the abuser can be stopped, but not now.”

"I don't beat my wife anymore"

However, I did receive one letter from a man who regretted the incident of violence in his family. He chose to remain anonymous. He was ashamed.

“Before, I didn’t allow myself to do this, but after my eldest was born, I snapped. Hit his wife in the car. They took my son to the hospital, word for word, she was on nerves, I was freaking out. He didn’t hit with all his might, but he miscalculated, leaving a bruise. Of course, he apologized later. I asked for forgiveness, but I don’t know what to do next. I don’t beat my wife anymore, but something has broken in the relationship.”

“My children remember this nightmare”

It was not only the man who hit his wife who asked not to disclose his name. The woman, who has experienced domestic violence more than once, also wished to remain anonymous. For another reason. Two years already Tatiana (Note ed. – name changed for security reasons) is hiding in the Kitezh shelter at the courtyard of the Novospassky Monastery. Tatyana is a mother of many children. One of her children is still in the hospital.

I arrived at the shelter on the day of the New Year tree for the children. There is a children's playground in front of the shelter building. There are strollers, bicycles, and scooters in the yard. If you don’t know who lives in this house, you might think that in front of me is a private kindergarten. But even the “Christmas tree” here is unusual. For some reason, Santa Claus is wearing a Cossack costume. He's wearing a real hat. Snow Maiden - with a little helper, an elf.

“There are gifts waiting for us at home, give the boy his gift,” the Snow Maiden convinces her elf son. Obviously volunteers. The children here have seen scary scenes and are a little afraid of unfamiliar adults. The younger ones hide behind their mothers. The elders are a little wary.

I ask Tatyana why she only got help here. Why didn't the police help?

“The police, of course, came and the husband was taken away, but after four hours the men were released, and where did they return? I wrote a statement and filmed the beatings, but it didn’t help. When I called the police, they told me “this is your internal family dispute. When he kills you, write a statement.” My ex-husband is not even deprived of parental rights. Social security says “he also has the right to raise children,” but he beat everyone. From time to time he looks for us and writes requests for searches.

We escaped after my husband locked us in the basement for three days. My youngest daughter was three months old at the time, and my phone died. My friends saved me. We got worried. Friends arrived with their husbands. My husband was scared of a lot of people. We took the most necessary things and left the house for the apartment, but my husband had already brought his “support group” of friends there.

He broke down our doors and broke our furniture. At night we packed up and fled to Moscow.

At first I quickly found a job, but lost it due to the crisis. There was no money to pay rent. I have my own house, but it’s simply dangerous to live there, and there’s no furniture there now. The ex-husband took everything, right down to the push!

My older children are from my first marriage. In the case of the younger ones, it’s scary to apply for alimony; for the older ones, I simply don’t get it. I wrote complaints to the reception desk of Pavel Astakhov ( Commissioner under the President of the Russian Federation for Children's Rights– approx. edit). He came, and then everyone tried to solve our problems, but as soon as he left, everything became as before. It is useless to go somewhere for help.

Of course, there are cases when women do not take care of children; the father sits with them. I myself know such a family. But the guardianship must figure it out, must see who came and why. The inspector must have training. In the case when we were denied alimony, my husband, a businessman, simply paid a bribe. False testimony was given at the trial. Now he began to help periodically. I can’t turn to lawyers, they ask for a lot of money. It’s easier for me to give up and provide for the children myself. And at work they say “either sue or work.”

Here they help us with clothes and food. And only here they are not separated from children. In other centers I was offered to send my children to an orphanage. They didn’t even deny that “people like your youngest are in great demand from adoptive parents.” Of course, this is unacceptable for a mother! Some centers only accept infants, up to three months, but where to go next? In other places they require Moscow or Moscow region registration.

Many entrepreneurs do not help such centers because they do not know that if they provide sponsorship, they can get a tax benefit. I’m not one of those who live only on alms and requests for “give me money,” I work and manage on my own, but sometimes I need help. Residential guardianship also offers me to give up the children; there is no other help.

Domestic violence always occurs “one on one”. There are no witnesses.

In my experience, such people are always very kind to others, trying to please and help. It all starts gradually. Do you spend a lot of time wondering how someone you loved could turn into a monster? Maybe this is an accident? Horrible dream? But the accident repeats itself. It wasn’t even my sense of self-preservation that came into play—it was fear for the children. When children began to participate in conflicts, it became scary.

The younger children still haven’t come to their senses, I thought they didn’t remember anything, but now I see that they remember everything. They might not understand what exactly was happening, but they felt the situation itself. My children remember this nightmare."

The tragedy in Nizhny Novgorod could have been prevented by the law on domestic violence

The ANNA Center for Violence Prevention has been dealing with issues of violence for 23 years. This is the oldest center for helping battered women.

According to the deputy director of the center Andrey Sinelnikov, there have been more requests lately, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. They call more often - not because they hit more often.

“Currently there are certain shifts in the consciousness of women themselves. There are enough media stories about domestic violence. The problem itself has become more visible. Largely thanks to women who are not silent. There have been more and more calls to the helpline in recent years. I don't think this means the situation is getting worse. On the contrary: women began to know their rights better and understand that violence is not normal.

However, until the law on family violence has been adopted, victims of family violence are not legally protected in any way. If they go outside the apartment and neighbors contact the police, the violence can still be classified as “Hooliganism,” but if the actions take place at home, the police simply cannot do anything except take the aggressor for a preventive conversation. Therefore, from a legal point of view, it is wrong that violence cannot be divided into family and non-family.

If you were hit by a stranger on the street, you will see him at worst in court. The husband, even the ex-husband, will know where the woman lives and continue to pursue her. I am familiar with cases when, already in a new marriage, a man continued to lie in wait for his ex-wife. In addition, now the victim can simply withdraw the statement. One day, a woman wanted to withdraw her application after a man had cut off her toes in front of her children. In the hospital she came to her senses, but now with two children she is forced to rent a room. While the husband lives in their apartment.

The monstrous one in Nizhny Novgorod, where a father killed his wife and six children, might not have happened if the concept of “family violence” had existed in the law. Then, upon first contact, a man could be forced to attend a psychological group and his problems would be identified.

If the state itself could bring charges against the person who committed the act of violence, the fact of pressure on the victim would be eliminated. Nothing would depend on her anymore.

One of the clearest signs of a person prone to violence is the strategy of isolation. “Don’t talk to this friend,” “why do you talk to your mom so often on the phone?” This is how the aggressor deprives the victim of a “support group.” Bans on external communication are very dangerous. In violence, no matter what the injured party does, there is always a reason.

The term “family violence” is sometimes overused. It is important to understand that violence exists where there is power and fear. If a couple bruises each other in the evening, makes peace in the morning, and no one is afraid of anyone - this is their way of life.”

Conflict is not violence

Coordinator of the All-Russian Helpline for Women Victims of Domestic Violence, Irina Matvienko The legislative term “domestic violence” is also awaited with great impatience, calling at the same time to separate the terms “violence” and “conflict”:

“Domestic violence and conflicts in the family are two different things. Quarrels can happen in any family. In the event of quarrels, husband and wife resolve some issues as equals, not always in a calm way, but people have a subject of dispute, by resolving which the conflict can be settled. In addition, in conflict there is usually no attempt to demonstrate an attitude of power. Violence is primarily an attempt to establish control. Humiliation, insults, beatings are simply a tool for this purpose.

Violence has phases and a cycle when tension increases in the family, then there is a release and then the so-called “honeymoon” begins. Gradually, the “honeymoon” is shortened, and the periods of discharge become longer and longer. Often this is when a woman realizes that she needs to seek help. There are not many complaints after the initial incident of violence - from 10 to 12%.

A person who hits once is not always an offender who will systematically beat, but this is a reason to think, consult and take action.

Sometimes it can take five years from the first slap to the beating. Or the beating will not happen at all.

The work of a psychologist in conflict and violence should be completely different. The main rule is that the conversation should not be witnessed by a third party, especially the aggressor himself. This can be simply dangerous for a woman. Also, a woman cannot be advised to change her behavior strategy, since it is unknown how her offender will react to this.

Now women are more informed about their rights and that violence is not normal. But until a law on domestic violence is passed, groups will not appear where domestic tyrants will be taught to control aggression. The media plays an important role in shaping public opinion.

If a husband beats his wife, that means... She deserved it? Is he a scoundrel? This is their family matter, will they sort it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have emerged from the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Moreover, if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can talk a lot about the roles of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each spouse bears for their development. What will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially as a victim?

Too often, under the guise of a friendly family, there is an alliance between a victim and a tyrant.

Whoever beats his wife, God gives him?

There are negligibly few men who would be clearly aware that when they raise their hands against a woman, they are doing, to put it mildly, wrong. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” excuse for his actions. One has no doubt that the missus herself brought him down: she did not greet him as appropriate after a hard day of work; stuck her hand in at the wrong time with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor on the staircase - probably for good reason, rubbish...

Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one completely sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear,” confident that this is exactly how one should assert his position as the head of the family.

By the way, our ancestors were not the only ones who shone with such pearls. There are plenty of proverbs explaining how to use fists to build a good relationship with your spouse in the languages ​​of other nations. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a club there will be no virtuous wife,” they taught in China. In India, a woman’s head was compared to the head of a nail in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat your spouse as often as you beat a gong. And an Arab proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when she has done something wrong is not worth living.

Is the need to prove one’s masculine worth and authority through beatings an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?

Violence against women was the norm in earlier times. What about now?

Psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior

Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise instructions? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence from their spouse or partner - and this is only according to official data. And the chance of dying at the hands of an accidental scumbag in a doorway for most representatives of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soulmate?

But for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude

Under no circumstances can any of the listed reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If an aggressor husband does not throw his fists at a picky boss, is afraid to fight back a two-meter brute who pushed him out of line, obediently listens to the scolding of an inspector on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He feels good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his line of behavior. Sometimes such men get such a taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.

Children in the line of fire

Speaking of children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor father.

There is no guarantee that sooner or later the wrath of the separated parent will not fall on the child, especially if the child is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to defend the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And you shouldn’t hope that after a slap in the heat of the moment, the would-be father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Do not forget, he is already accustomed to giving himself complete freedom within his own four walls and has learned to achieve respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife through physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from using the tried and tested method of education on children? Certainly not high moral principles. Not to mention the fact that raising a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where swearing and the sound of blows are constantly heard is, in principle, impossible.

There cannot be normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign.

Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home every year to escape the beatings of one of their parents. About 2,000 people decide to commit suicide every year for the same reason. An alarming number of child killers end up in prison precisely for killing their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who save the family by hook or by crook, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first - against yourself, and the second - against your child.

How to resist domestic violence

A woman who has once experienced the brunt of the wrath of her beloved, be it her official husband or cohabitant, has two options: stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked, or leave.

Life on a volcano

The first slap in the face rarely comes like a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that just yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turns into a monster with a furious grin and menacingly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nagging, caustic remarks, and then outright insults towards the spouse. Usually, a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their loved one, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's got problems." “It’s my own fault, why did I bother with this dry cleaning bill during football?”

Many wives paint themselves into a corner

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all have meltdowns from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not at all excuse rudeness and rudeness. It’s one thing to irritably throw out: “Darling, will you let me watch TV in peace today?!” and something completely different: “Go away, cow!” A wife who dutifully endures moral “kicks” will very soon receive real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted at the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “just” a housewife, and your loved one manages super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him on a level higher than you. A family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relieving robot, right?

First hit

So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and write an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.

First of all, calm down. Emotions have never given anyone any good advice. Take a walk, breathe some fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all details and try to understand what happened? Was your spouse drunk or sober? Was he afraid of what he had done or was he contentedly looking at the work of his hands? Didn’t you provoke him by speaking vilely about your spouse’s parents in the heat of an argument or by hurting his manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, having first sent his wife on a long and not entirely decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.

Think about it, don’t you rain down reproaches on your beloved too often?

After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your erring spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.

Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more blow, a slap in the face, a slap on the head - and you will immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.

Be more picky about your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, spare no compliments for your spouse, pamper him with delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can only overcome with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from your husband.

If your loved one has a really hot temper and is aware of it, a family psychologist will come to the rescue. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.

Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem out of the ordinary to your spouse, you are not on the same path with this person.

Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion

Our ancestors, who suffered no less often from husbands who were quick to kill, had their own ways of returning peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more drastic measures were required, the beaten wife bought a new hammer and said over it: “Just as a heavy hammer does not lift, so that the servant of God such and such had a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. May my words be strong and sculpted from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only as an auxiliary tool. It’s still not worth hoping for help from higher powers without taking any action to improve the situation.

Run, Lola, run

You were gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the incident when you were so humiliated, and in response you only received new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it makes no sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, listening to assurances that “this won’t happen again.” It will happen again. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated, egregious incident, but an excellent way to relax, and he has already become a taste for it. Think about it, is your marriage really worth covering up your bruises with foundation before every time you go out? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stress they will receive while living in the same house with an aggressor? Hardly. In addition, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes even lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.

Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor!

If you fail to change the situation, pack your things and leave without any pity. Once and for all. Shutting back and forth between your parents’ house and your ex-spouse’s house for years is a futile endeavor. Better spend your time and energy looking for a new soul mate. The one who will be able to keep her fists in her pockets.

Often a tyrant who has acquired a taste does not want to let his victim go so easily. They use blackmail with children, suicide, threats of physical violence... What to do?

First of all, realize that you are responsible only for your life and the lives of your children. Being a capable adult is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will commit suicide if they divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make a basic effort on himself for your sake? Is it because in reality he only loves himself, and he only needs you as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?

If you are afraid that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of ​​making a show of leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.

Just don’t, following the advice and reviews of determined women from social networks, take the frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this frying pan will not be pulled out of your hands and fall on your head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of the impact? The article “exceeding necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if a former loved one, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.

Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?

Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can lightly forgive your loved one for a bruise under his eye: it happened accidentally (you were showing your friend the size of the caught pike and did not calculate the span of your arm) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to join you in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, even the most severe. Don’t wait for the situation to completely get out of control, take action to correct it or leave. There is no third.

Domestic violence is often silent about. If a husband beats his wife, she often hides it from strangers. Why? It's embarrassing and inconvenient. You can’t tell your friend about this over a cup of tea. Sometimes the closest relatives have no idea what a nightmare a woman is going through day after day, until they accidentally notice her bruises and abrasions.

Why do some husbands beat their wives?

Aggression in the family does not come out of nowhere. It does not happen that a caring, loving father of a family suddenly changes for no reason, instantly turning into a cruel tyrant capable of raising his hand against the mother of his children.

Aggressiveness, lack of self-control, and explosive character often have a psychological basis. Psychologists talk about the existence of two types of male aggressors:

1. Men are pit bulls. This type accumulates aggression gradually. The scandal begins with abuse and reproaches, grows and ends with beatings. In this case, the husband is psychologically highly dependent on his wife, but he lacks respect for her as a person. It is extremely difficult for a woman in such a relationship: she has to watch her every word, gesture and glance. The disgruntled tyrant still finds something to complain about and provokes another scandal with beatings.
2. Cobra men. This type is more complex and dangerous than the first, although it is somewhat less common. The use of force occurs unexpectedly, without previous quarrels and verbal showdowns, while outwardly the man is absolutely calm. He does not feel remorse even after beating his wife.

Why is there violence? If a husband often beats his wife, it means he feels power over her. Low self-esteem and the presence of complexes push a man to demonstrate his superiority over the weak.

Nature has built into the male character the desire for self-affirmation. Each person chooses ways to increase self-esteem on his own: climb the career ladder, achieve success and recognition in sports, business, or assert himself at the expense of his wife and children, humiliating and beating them. The unrecognized genius aggressively expresses his dissatisfaction with life at home, as if proving that he, too, is worth something.

From a psychological point of view, male aggression is provoked by the following reasons:

What to do if your husband beats you: divorce or stay and try to correct the situation, each woman decides independently. There are those for whom one time, a single blow, is enough to break the relationship. Such women love and respect themselves, and are confident that once their husband has crossed the boundaries of what is permissible, he will no longer be able to stop. This means that physical violence will be repeated. Other wives live with tyrants, finding excuses and forgiving cruelty, deciding to re-educate him or meekly accepting the situation.

A psychologist's advice will help you break the vicious circle of domestic violence:

Where can you turn if you are beaten by your spouse?

Women are stopped by the fear of the unknown and loneliness. Wives, financially dependent on their husbands, who have nowhere to go, feel that they are driven into a dead end and see no way out, and their husbands continue to abuse, feeling their dominance. There is always a way out:

• Seek help from relatives or close friends. You can find temporary shelter with them.
• In big cities, you can seek support from crisis centers for victims of domestic violence. If a critical situation arises, you can find refuge and protection there, receive legal and psychological assistance, and assistance in finding a job.
• 8-800-100-49-940 - all-Russian crisis helpline for women, open around the clock.

The procedure for the victim when contacting law enforcement agencies

You need to act clearly when beating, this will help punish the offender according to the law. The procedure is as follows:

What threatens the tyrant?

The legislation provides for prosecution for assault, physical and moral harm.

Depending on the circumstances of the beating, after a criminal trial, the perpetrator of the beating may be charged with:

• causing intentional minor harm to health (Article 115 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
• infliction of intentional moderate harm to health (Article 112 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
• infliction of intentional grievous harm to health (Article 111 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
• beatings (Article 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
• torture (Article 117 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
• threat of murder or causing grievous bodily harm (Article 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation).

An official warning will be issued to the inadequate spouse. He will be registered and his behavior will be monitored in the future.

Unfortunately, situations where a husband systematically beats his wife are not uncommon. Many people believe that this is the lot of women who have linked their fate with an alcoholic or drug addict, however, as practice shows, assault also occurs in quite prosperous, intelligent families.

Only a very small percentage of women make the final and irrevocable decision to leave their rowdy husband. Most of them prefer to endure beatings, following the incomprehensibly invented and harmful expression “Beating means loving.” Does anyone really think that love and beatings are synonymous?

What to do if a husband beats his wife? What should women do in such cases? What decision should you make so as not to harm yourself and your children?

Why does a husband beat his wife?

There is no clear answer to this question. The most common reasons that prompt a man to raise his hand to a woman are:

1. Example of parents. If your husband has watched his father beat his mother since childhood, he will consider such behavior to be the norm and practice it in his own family.
2. Self-affirmation at the expense of the wife. Most likely, the man is not fulfilled professionally. By beating and morally humiliating a woman, he demonstrates his strength and takes out accumulated grievances.
3. Alcohol. Heavy libations can provoke a surge of aggression, while the person does not control himself.
4. The wife's disobedience and disagreement. A tyrant man believes that his wife must completely obey him and strictly fulfill his demands. The woman's disobedience infuriates him.
5. Freedom and independence of the wife. A woman’s financial independence and external attractiveness acts on a complex and weak man like a red rag on an angry bull.
6. Jealousy. No matter how modestly a woman dresses, a jealous person will still think that her skirt is too short, her blouse is transparent and provocative. The wife’s behavior also causes irritation: she talked on the phone for a long time (perhaps with her lover?), looked at an unfamiliar man, was late at work. No explanations or justifications will help; a jealous person will still make a mountain out of a molehill.
7. Taking out anger and irritation on a weak partner. The husband will not hesitate to take out troubles at work on his wife - after all, she will not rebuff him anyway.
8. Takes pleasure in assault. There is a type of man who likes to spread rot and beat women, including on the head, to cause them pain and suffering, and to show their strength.
9. Provocation on the part of the wife. Sometimes a woman is to blame for a fight, provoking her husband in every possible way with reproaches and offensive words, being well aware of his temper.

These are the main reasons why a husband beats his wife. The statistics are that in 30% of families, husbands have raised their hands against their wives at least once in their lives. A woman should calmly and sensibly analyze the situation. If the beating happened once, there is no guarantee that it will not happen again.

Many ladies try to find an excuse for the actions of their loved one, motivating it something like this: “If a husband beats his wife, it’s all nerves. It happens to everyone? The main thing is that he came to his senses, asked for forgiveness, this will not happen again.” This is an illusion, self-deception. The domestic tyrant will never stop, no matter how flexible and patient the woman is. Even if he calms down for a while, the slightest reason will prompt him to take up his old ways again.

What to do if a husband beats his woman? Is it possible to solve the problem? Yes, of course, it is possible, provided that the spouses love each other and want to save the family. If they are unable to resolve the issue on their own, it makes sense to contact a psychologist who will analyze the situation, understand the origins of the problem and give professional advice.

If a woman realizes that this will never end, she has two options. The first is to get a divorce, throw your aggressor husband out of your life once and for all and try to improve your personal life, but without him. The second is to continue to tolerate domestic violence, endangering yourself and your children. However, one “fine” day it may happen that no one will be able to help her.

Why does my wife suffer beatings?

There are many reasons why women do not leave their tyrant husbands. Most wives justify the behavior of their spouses, saying that this is an everyday matter, everyone lives like that. This is a common misconception. Why take as a basis the model of behavior inherent in dysfunctional families? Women who justify their husbands in this way either have low self-esteem, or they simply like to be in the role of a victim.

Systematic beatings are not at all the norm, not a single representative of the fair half of humanity is obliged to endure this, every woman deserves to be loved and treated with respect.

The presence of children in a family is a strong motive for maintaining a family. Many women believe that children need a father, so their task is to save the marriage with all their might and stop their husband from fighting. But is the child happy? Is it possible to be calm about his psyche if he is forced to watch his father beat his mother? Hardly. Children understand everything perfectly and see that their mother is unhappy.

Moreover, this leaves an imprint on their future family life. As an adult, the son will also beat his wife, and the daughter will unquestioningly endure bullying and violence from her husband.

No matter how much a woman loves her husband, she must honestly answer the question: “Is it worth maintaining a relationship with a person whose behavior threatens the well-being of children?” Understand that if a father sincerely loves his son or daughter, he will help financially and communicate with them even after you break up.

And one more thing: it’s bad for a child without a father, but it will be even worse for him without a mother. After all, it is not uncommon for women to die at the hands of an aggressor blinded by rage.

Many wives are afraid of losing their financial well-being, especially if they do not work and are entirely dependent on their husbands. It cannot be denied that material well-being is important, first of all, for children, but it is unknown what is worse for them - a secure existence, but daily observation of the abuse of their mother, or limited funds, but psychological comfort.

If you are afraid that you will not be able to provide your children with everything they need, then do not worry, the court will oblige your husband to pay alimony for minor children. If you are driven only by mercantile interest, the fear that you personally will have to give up many benefits, well, then you are unlikely to leave your golden cage of your own free will.

You shouldn’t believe your husband’s oaths and promises that he will change, you just need to give him a chance. Perhaps, with age, a man will become more restrained and learn to keep his emotions under control, but how long this will have to wait is unknown. It is extremely naive to expect that a miracle will happen and a man will turn from a domestic tyrant into a gentle and understanding spouse.

Often the husband begins to blackmail his wife, threatening that he will do something to himself. As a rule, a man understands that you are one step away from leaving him, and simply puts pressure on pity and sympathy. Be reasonable. Your husband is an adult and is quite capable of accounting for his actions. Have pity on yourself, you cannot force yourself to be with a person out of pity and play the role of a nanny all your life.

The opposite situation is also very common, when a husband threatens his wife with violence. Do not succumb to intimidation and blackmail, urgently take the children and go to a safe place, where the tyrant cannot find you.

Many wives, being pregnant, are afraid to leave their husbands, not realizing that only a man who has lost his human appearance is capable of raising his hand against a pregnant woman. In this case, the girl risks not only herself, but also the health of her unborn baby. The decision must be made immediately: leave the tyrant, undergo a medical examination, on the basis of which you can go to court.

Husband beats: how and where to leave?

Getting rid of the aggressor will not be so easy. If you manage to do this without scandals, consider yourself very lucky. It is unlikely that a tyrant husband will calmly let his victim go. In most cases, men begin to threaten, stalk, intimidate and in every possible way return the rebellious woman to the family in order to continue abusing her.

If you have decided to separate from your spouse and know his reaction in advance, start saving money and do not keep it at home, give it to people you trust for safekeeping. Prepare the necessary documents (passport, birth certificates of children, marriage certificate) and also take them to a safe place, for example, reserve a safe deposit box in a bank.

What to do if there is nowhere to go? If you do not have the opportunity to immediately purchase or rent a home, ask relatives or friends to temporarily shelter you until you solve this problem.

If you were previously a housewife, urgently get a job and earn money to furnish your own nest. The ideal option is to move to another city. This is not so easy to implement, but it will make it more difficult for your ex-husband to find you.

You can turn to the state and public organizations and crisis centers for help.

Try to leave immediately, don’t linger for a minute, delay can have serious consequences. Do not endanger your own life and the life of your children.

Where to look for help from a rowdy husband

If something terrible happened and a woman was beaten and humiliated by her husband, who was intoxicated or in a state of passion, the first thing she needs to do is break away from the hands of the aggressor and try to run out of the apartment with the children. Don't hesitate to call for help, knock on your neighbors' doors and ask them to call the police.

If, after another beating, you are determined to sever this relationship, know that you will have to go through the judicial and law enforcement system along the following chain:

• contacting the police, filing a statement that your husband is beating you;
• medical examination and removal of beatings;
• contacting a lawyer who will represent your interests in court;
• court hearing.

These are not very pleasant procedures, but you have to go through them. The fact is that the police intervene without much enthusiasm in family scandals, considering them to be domestic disputes. For the prosecutor's office to intervene, very compelling reasons are needed, which will be your medical examination.

Look for witnesses who can confirm that you were abused. These could be relatives, friends, neighbors who witnessed scandals and fights.