home Diseases How to properly express condolences in writing. How to comfort a person: the right words

How to properly express condolences in writing. How to comfort a person: the right words

Which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, problems with sleep.
Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. Characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, memory and sleep disturbances. The person also experiences constant anxiety, a desire to be alone, and lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infectious diseases, heart diseases, alcoholism, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console strangers? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually, no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Once again, if you feel empowered, then help. Stay nearby, talk, involve in common activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.

Shock phase

Your behavior:

Don't leave the person alone.
Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

Talk about the past in the past tense.
If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.

You can't say:

“You can’t recover from such a loss,” “Only time heals,” “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
“Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
“You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And they tell him to dream.
“If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only intensify the bitterness of loss.

Suffering phase

Your behavior:

In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. Don't hold back your emotions - cry with him.
If he shows anger, don’t interfere.

Your words:

How to comfort a person: the right words

If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.

You can't say:

“Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
“And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help in situations of divorce, separation, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that involve comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass and he will appreciate your help.

How to support someone if you are far away?

Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on his answering machine, write an SMS or an email. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.

Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.

loss of a loved one

Condolences on the occasion of death will show true empathy for the loss of a person who is experiencing great shock and needs moral support. Death is always around us, but we notice it only when it knocks on our house or the house of a truly loved one. Such a death takes you by surprise and no one is ever prepared for the fact that on that day they lost someone dear to them. As Bulgakov once noted in his immortal masterpiece, the problem is not that man is mortal. The main problem is that he is suddenly mortal.

Texts of condolences

Condolences in verse

When parents leave
The light in the window fades forever.
Father's house is empty and maybe
I dream much more often.

* * *
Sleep, my angel, peacefully and sweetly.
Eternity will take you into its arms.
You held yourself with dignity and steadfastness
Survived these hellish torments.

* * *
On this day full of heartache,
We sympathize with your misfortune,
Our life, unfortunately, is not eternal,
Every day we are getting closer to the line...
Our condolences... Strength of spirit
We wish you at this moment,
May the earth rest in peace to those close to you,
May the Almighty protect you from troubles.

When you left, the light went dark,
And time suddenly stopped.
And they wanted to live together forever...
Well, why did this all happen?!

* * *
Thank you, dear, for being in the world!
Thank you for loving me.
For all the years that we lived together.
I ask you not to forget me.

We remember, dear, and mourn,
The wind blows coldly on my heart.
We love you forever,
No one will replace you for us.

* * *
How we loved - only the Gods know.
Only we knew how we suffered.
After all, we went through all the hardships with you,
But we could not step over death...

What does true empathy look like?

Real support should not resemble standard ritual phrases that are said just for the sake of saying. These phrases will not play a decisive role for anyone who has just lost the most dear person on the entire planet. How to express condolences on a death? What rules should you follow so that your words of condolences regarding death are not perceived as words without meaning and content?

The first rule is: Don’t keep your feelings in your heart.

Did you come to the funeral? Come and describe what you feel now. Don't hold back your emotions and feelings. There is no need to be ashamed of what you feel. After all, it was not in vain that you came to this funeral and knew the person. Sometimes it is better to say a few kind words through tears and hug the relatives or loved ones of the deceased than to speak hundreds of words, playing the role of a great speaker. Warm words are what everyone is waiting for, from whom heaven has taken away a piece of their soul.

Second rule: Condolences about death are not just words.

Can't find the right words for this situation? Don't say too much. Sometimes it's better to just hug or touch the grieving person. Shake hands, cry next to you. Show that the person was not left alone in this grief. Show your grief as best you can. You shouldn’t do everything in a formulaic way and pretend that you’re very sorry if you’re not. A person will immediately understand where there will be falsehood and where there are true feelings and words. A simple handshake is a good chance to express condolences over a death for those who are not very close to the family of the deceased, but came to pay tribute by seeing the person off on his last journey.

Rule Three: Offer whatever help you can.

You shouldn’t limit yourself to just words of grief. Not only in word, but also in deed! This rule has always been relevant. You can offer your help to the family of the deceased. For example, a mother with children could lose their sole breadwinner, which means that all these people become victims of deteriorating financial conditions. It is not necessary to help with money. If you can help in another way, offer to help. Such a move will only confirm that you are helping not only with words, but also with deeds. Don't turn your condolences into dead sentences with your words. Back them up with action. Even banal help in organizing a funeral can become very valuable in the eyes of a grieving person who received a blow below the belt so unexpectedly. Do good deeds and they will be appreciated more than just words.

Fourth rule— Pray for the deceased along with people who have lost a loved one.

Sincere prayer can be seen from afar - that’s what all the priests and monks say. This is exactly what should be done in the case of condolences. After a few words, the grieving person should pray for the deceased along with the one who is now experiencing the loss. Prayer calms all believers and will bring at least a little harmony into the wounded heart of the grieving person. Prayer distracts even from the greatest grief. Ask God for consolation for those who are suffering severe torment and do not understand why fate took a loved one from them. The prayer will not take much time, but will leave a wonderful impression on those who are now standing in front of you in black clothes and calling on heaven for help and asking for a logical explanation.

Fifth rule - Remember everything positive that you know about the deceased.

In order to say real words of consolation, you need to remember all the best things that connect you with him. Did you play football together as a child? Come and tell me that you couldn't find a better teammate. Did he save your dog? Did you let me cheat in class or in university classes? Remember this too. Mentioning original moments from the life of the deceased will only make loved ones smile. If a smile does not appear on your face, it will be in your soul. The deceased could teach you a lot and bring you joy. Share your memories and in a few minutes you will do the impossible - give a spark of joy to those who are now grieving. Did you have a bad relationship with a person who left this world? Then you should understand that people close to him are not to blame for the small disagreements between you. Forget about all the problems that have happened so far, because when trouble knocks on the door, you should forget about everything.

Rule six: Don’t talk about how things will be easier in the future.

There is no point in telling parents who have lost their child that they still have a lot of time to create another small miracle. They should not give hope that time will subsequently heal all wounds, because it is at this moment that it seems to them that life will no longer be the same as always. This is precisely the greatest truth of life - everyone understands that life without a loved one will no longer be the same as before his death. Everyone who is now crying at a funeral has just lost their little piece of their soul. A woman who has lost her husband should not be told that she is a real goddess and will definitely not be on her own in this life. Condolences for the death of mom or dad should also not contain calls for future peace and consolation. Let the person grieve the loss and don't talk about future prospects. Any words about the future will be superfluous, since no one believes in it now and will not see the picture you paint.

Seventh rule: Don’t say that everything will pass. Don't say that you shouldn't cry and grieve.

Most people who say these things have never lost a loved one. Just yesterday a person kissed in bed and drank morning dark tea with his beloved, and in the evening she may no longer be in this world. Just yesterday children quarreled with their parents, but tomorrow they may not be there. Just yesterday there was a party with friends, and tomorrow one of them may be taken away by the sky. And the understanding that you can’t bring your loved one back is the worst thing that can happen in this life. Therefore, there is no need to say that crying will not help here. There is no need to say that you shouldn’t grieve and “destroy” yourself morally so much. There is no need to play the role of a psychologist and delve into the psychological state of a person in grief. The first person who says that there is no point in crying only proves that he does not understand the mourner. There is no way to bypass serious stress - just let a person cry who cannot understand why he has now lost the meaning of his life.

Eighth rule - Forget about empty words, among which the most popular phrase is “Everything will be fine”!

Don't make promises you can't keep. Do not talk about optimistic plans for a person, because he will not perceive it the way you want to present it. A person does not want to hear platitudes and excuses that are so formal that they have become traditional. It is better to help with deeds, rather than saying traditional phrases from films where the main characters are often buried.

Ninth rule - Don't be shy about your feelings!

You came to a funeral, not a holiday. Therefore, be prepared that you will want to hug the relatives of the deceased even when you do not know them at all. In grief, everyone is the same. Don’t be shy about feelings that can cover you in a big wave. Do you want a hug? Hug! Would you like a handshake or a touch on the shoulder? Do it! Did a tear roll down your cheek? Don't turn away. Swipe it away. May you be one of those who came to this funeral for a reason. You have come to a loved one who deserves this.

The main conclusion that can be drawn, taking these rules into account, is that you should avoid cliched words of condolences to the relatives of the deceased and actions that will not bring any benefit. Tactless phrases will not do any good. There are words that will only once again cause misunderstandings on the other side, not to mention possible aggression, insult or even disappointment. Perhaps you were a close person to the deceased, and now you are not behaving as his family expects. You must enter the state of shock in which the person is now. Put yourself in the place of the grieving person and then you will understand how to behave correctly. Do not forget that everything you say may not be perceived as it sounds in your mouth. The psychological burden on those who lose a loved one is incredibly large and this is the decisive moment.

What can you offer a grieving person at a funeral?

Ask how you can help. Perhaps the matter will not be in the material dimension at all, although money in this case is never superfluous. The family of the deceased may entrust you to go to the priest or simply agree on the purchase and transportation of the coffin. A small favor to the family, which is now in a difficult state, will not be superfluous. Indeed, at this moment, none of the deceased’s relatives can adequately assess the situation and their thoughts are not at all about the problematic aspects of organizing a funeral. Have you heard that even after a murder, friends of the deceased say that they must first bury him with honors, and only then look for the killer? The point is that the etiquette of expressing condolences is very interconnected with funerals. Do your best to make sure this funeral goes well, because every person deserves to pass away with the respect of others.

Offer your help in any way. Help will be received well in any case, and even if you are refused, they will still be pleased. Even ordering memorial cards for invitations to funerals or helping to accommodate guests from distant cities in your home would be a wonderful service. Just don’t talk about everything in such a tone as if you are offering just for the sake of simply offering. Offer specific help and receive real gratitude.

Be concise, like King Leonidas when he addresses the Spartans!

Words of condolences should be kept short. No one should speak for long because funerals are not the place for great speakers. Leave thousands of words to the priest who will perform the funeral service for the deceased. Keep it short and say exactly what you think. You should also not speak for a long time at a wake, since too heavy phrases cause distraction and lose their meaning. Don't be afraid to experiment in front of the mirror with a few phrases that you have prepared for yourself. Warm and sincere words are usually very short, like a declaration of love. Love needs no words, and the deceased is worth only a few sincere sentences. Do not forget that it is easy to feel false condolences, since at such times the relatives and friends of the deceased can boast of an increased sense of sincerity and falseness. Kind words can heal the soul and heart of those who are hurt or heartbroken.

What should those who had a conflict with the deceased do? How to behave and do the relatives and friends of the deceased need condolences from such a person?

Find the strength within yourself to forgive the one who was carried away by the sky. After all, death is the end point of all grievances. If you have done something wrong to the deceased, come and pay tribute. Ask for forgiveness in prayer, even if you are not sure you will receive it. Speak sincerely and the relatives of the deceased will accept it with honor. Leave negativity and unnecessary emotions at home. Do not forget that all grievances die with the person. Do you really regret your fault or just respect your competitor in some way? Come and show his loved ones that he was such a respected person that even his enemies came to honor his memory. Do you have a grudge against the deceased? Forgive and let go. Show this to his loved ones and they will be glad once again that you have forgiven.

Be original!

It's always better to come up with a few good phrases that are your own to say to the loved ones of the deceased. By coming up with these words, you can remember something from a person’s past. Perhaps you know something about him that others will not say. Perhaps you know something that your loved ones don’t know. Or perhaps your friend rarely told his parents that he loved them, but in fact always noted to his friends that he had the best parents in the world? Why don't you sympathize and remember this? Remember something interesting. Say something truly valuable to everyone.

What should you talk about during condolences?

Say that the person was not just good. Say that it is difficult to find words. Let everyone know that the deceased deserves more words than can be said now. Tell him he was talented. Good. Give examples that will confirm your words. Set him as an example to many present. Say you loved the deceased person. Let everyone know he will be missed. Say that this is a tragedy for you. Tell us about what you are grateful for to the deceased and what exactly he did for you. Tell those present that the role of the deceased in your life was great or, on the contrary, not so great, but despite this the world has lost one of the best representatives of humanity. Take breaks. Allow yourself to choose your words. Let everyone see that it is really difficult for you to pick them up. Tell the truth!

Will so-called religious condolences always be appropriate?

Religious rhetoric will not always be helpful, since the deceased could be an atheist or profess a different faith. You should not use phrases taken from the Bible in all cases, because this may not please many who come. Make sure you can afford it. Only in this case can you turn your words about the deceased into quotes from the Bible and supplement them with sincere sympathy. Moreover, the deceased could be an agnostic, like the people grieving behind him. In this case, you should also not speak in religious phrases.

Is someone who has lost a loved one really a believer? Then you can correctly select phrases from the church sphere, having first studied all religious epitaphs more deeply. They can push you onto the right path and thoughts. Just don’t forget that there shouldn’t be too much religiosity. In this case, measures are needed more than ever.

Despite this, religious themes in condolences will not always be a good option and it is not without reason that most people ignore them. It is better not to use biblical phrases, but to say in your own words what is in your soul right now.

Is it worth expressing condolences in the form of poetry?

Not at a funeral. Even if the mourner loves poetry, a funeral is far from the time to pay tribute to rhyme. Why so categorical? Funeral home experts know thousands of cases where such verses were too inappropriate, and there is one small reason for this. Poems of condolences regarding death are always perceived differently by people. 2 people can explain one line of verse in different ways. One phrase can have different meanings depending on the poetry of the person listening. This is exactly the case when poems of grief and condolences are extremely common and popular, and an obituary in poetic form poses a real risk of remaining misunderstood.

Is it worth writing an SMS with condolences?

Never write SMS in any form if we are talking about a service that gives you the opportunity to send a short message. Can't meet in person? It’s better to call yourself and don’t express sympathy in this way. After all, you don’t know at what exact moment this message may arrive, and its too short format makes the words too laconic. It will convey facts, not feelings. The person will not feel your voice. His timbre. Its emotional coloring. Moreover, messages in such cases are perceived poorly. Was it really difficult to call if you still found a minute to write a message? Perhaps you didn’t want to talk at all, but wrote a message just to forget about it once and for all and not feel guilty?

Let your condolences be sincere! These words are so necessary for those who have lost a loved one. They will be grateful to you!

Condolences on the occasion of death are an expression of involvement in the grief that has befallen people - the death of a loved one. At such moments, those closest to you simply need support and participation. They are expressed through words, spoken or written, and through actions, which is the most sincere form of empathy.

Verbal condolences - samples

I loved him/her (name). Sorry!
He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

The main thing is sincerity!

Speaking about etiquette, it should be noted that words of condolences to the relatives of the deceased should be filled with sincerity. You can say a lot of pompous phrases with a cold heart, simply because this is required by the standards of decency, or you can say a few words from the bottom of your heart and these words will be a balm for the soul of the closest people of the deceased.

Condolences for a death should not be a memorized text, much less a text read from a piece of paper or any medium, such as a phone. Sincerity is defined in empathy, the awareness that grief, like death, does not bypass a single person. Long speeches sound insincere and pathetic. A short condolence in your own words will be the best option.

The help offered will also be a manifestation of sincere sympathy and empathy. How can I help you? What can I do for you? If you need anything, contact me! – everything must be confirmed by deeds. Don’t be unfounded, and especially don’t offer help knowing in advance that you won’t be able to help.

Words of condolences

Words of condolences regarding death can consist of a couple of phrases and even a couple of words. For example:

(Name) was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a piece of ourselves. We really feel for you!
This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
He has meant/done/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember it! My sincere condolences!
I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you
We offer our sincere condolences to all family and friends
I was told that your brother died. I'm very sorry, I mourn with you
A wonderful man has passed away. I send my condolences to you and your entire family at this sad and difficult moment.
Condolences about death - the words above are an example of sincere empathy. They can be tailored to a specific person.

How to express sympathy?

The first and most important thing has already been given above - this is sincerity, which is expressed in the fact that the words do not come from the head, like a memorized text, but from the heart.

Secondly, when offering condolences in connection with a death, offer help; this will become an expression of participation in the grief that has befallen. This could be a small help - pick up and bring wreaths, help with organizing a funeral/memorial. Expressing condolences over a death means joining in the general grief not only in words, but also in deeds.

Third, don’t keep your emotions to yourself and maintain a calm appearance. You should not be ashamed of your feelings - you came to the funeral of a friend who is no longer alive. You can cry, hug your family, provided you follow the first rule - sincerity. An obviously feigned hysteria will not be able to support relatives.

Fourth, it is not superfluous and even important to say at least a couple of phrases that characterize the deceased from the best side - he was a great friend / she is a wonderful housewife or it was a pleasure to work with him / she was a kind and sympathetic person. These words will become a balm for the soul of the dearest people of the deceased.

Examples of condolences

We deeply mourn the death of (name). She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once (name). She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.
We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.
I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.
It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution (name), who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.
I would like to express to you our deep feelings about the death of (name). Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

What should you not talk about?

Old grievances - death forgives everything and puts an end to any conflict. Popular wisdom says that only good things can be said about the dead. If you cannot let go of a situation or a conflict, then it is better to limit yourself to a couple of phrases, since if by chance aggression or negativity towards the deceased slips into the words, this can hurt his relatives. Or, even worse, it will cause a scandal.

The text of condolences regarding a death should not contain banal and hackneyed phrases that essentially mean nothing. This is “everything will be fine”, “everything will pass with time”, “you’re young - you’ll give birth”, “soon the pain will subside, it will become easier with time” and so on. Those who have lost loved ones cannot understand all this at the moment, and such phrases will only cause an outbreak of aggression.

There is no need to ask to stop crying or worrying. This will also not resonate. On the contrary, one should support “don’t keep everything to yourself - cry.” Here, tears are the main way to throw out the grief and pain accumulated inside. This really makes it easier. It is much more difficult to experience everything within yourself, which can lead to psychological and even mental illness.

It is not worth mentioning such banal things as age - “he was already old”, “he was sick for so long that death is liberation.” You will cause deep pain to your relatives. Especially if these are condolences for the death of mom or dad. It's hard to lose parents at any age. These are the closest people whose support and love we need at any age.

Texts of condolences

(Name), please accept my heartfelt condolences... The death of a husband is a difficult loss that must be experienced. It’s hard for me to put into words, but we really need you. Hold on!
(Name), I express my deepest condolences regarding the death of (name). Words are stupid, and perhaps in vain, but we are always with you. We will support and help you survive.
I sincerely share your pain and convey words of sympathy and support to you and your family.
The death of a loved one is a great grief and trial.
(Name) please accept my sincere condolences. Unfortunately, words are difficult to heal a terrible wound in the heart. However, bright memories of a person who lived his life honestly and with dignity, leaving behind the fruits of his good deeds, will always be stronger than death.
At this bitter moment, I share your grief, I mourn with you, I bow my head in sorrow.
We understand how much he meant to you. It is very difficult to lose such a wonderful person. He brought us so much warmth and love. We will never forget him. We mourn with you
His death is an irreparable loss for all of us. This is a terrible tragedy. After all, he was such a kind, loving and sympathetic person. He did so much good in his life for everyone. We will never forget him

Condolences in verse

Condolences in verse are not the best option. Death is not the time for poetry, but moderate, short poems can become an outlet for all those gathered. Sung in a low voice with intonation and expression, poems of grief and condolences will find a response in the hearts of those gathered. So, a verse of condolences on the occasion of death:

When you left, the light went dark,
And time suddenly stopped.
And they wanted to live together forever...
Well, why did this all happen?!

We remember, dear, and mourn,
The wind blows coldly on my heart.
We love you forever,
No one will replace you for us.

You brought us light - magical, kind,
Your world was fabulously beautiful.
We remember you, the only one,
Thank you for your talent.

May your sleep be serene
No one will ever disturb you,
Nothing can break it
Oblivion of eternal peace.

Without chasing meaningless fame,
Keeping love in your heart,
He left, but managed to leave us
Eternal music bright motive

So, condolences are an expression of sincere sympathy and empathy. It shouldn't be long. You should not send condolences via SMS. If it is not possible to express them in person, then it is better to call. Let a couple of lines and phrases imbued with sincerity replace a long memorized text.

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Often a person is not prepared for the death of family or loved ones. For such cases, you need to know how to express condolences, doing it sincerely. Condolence is a mutual experience of loss, a desire to share this pain. Grief shocks and devastates a person, so at such a moment he needs support, even with words, and he will decide for himself whether to accept it or not.

Correctly chosen words of condolences will always provide the necessary support.

How to Express Condolences

Be sensitive, vigilant, try to understand what the grieving person needs.

Since the person is shocked at this moment, he will probably not pay attention to what exactly you say. It is more effective to hug the grieving person, press him to his chest, stay close to him, and offer help.

An important aspect of expressing sympathy is sincerity. When choosing your words, remember that hypocritical expressions and attempts to imitate feelings that do not exist are unacceptable.

If a person is venting to you, be quiet and listen.

You should be careful about the form of expressing condolences in poetry; not everyone will understand this.

You should not give the mourner advice and warnings like: “don’t kill yourself in vain,” “don’t worry like that,” at the moment it’s pointless.

It is worth discarding the attempt to instantly calm a person down with the words: “he has gone to a better world,” “we are all not eternal,” “he has suffered,” and so on.

Regarding the death of father, mother

This world has lost a great personality...
We were completely shaken by the news of his death. He was a righteous and courageous man, an honest and reliable friend. I knew him for so many years, I mourn with you...
Our family is grieving, as are you. It is difficult and painful to lose those who have been with us for so many years.
Your father was always ready to help. You can also count on our help...
This is an irreparable loss. Together with you, it hurts us too. He did a lot for you, was a support, but now his desire is for you to quickly overcome this tragedy.
Your loss is irreparable. But he left in our souls his immortal light and warm memories of days gone by.
Having gone into eternity, his last wish is for you to live happily, no matter what!
How painful it is for you at this difficult moment. After all, our parents invest so much in us! Their bright and good deeds will not be forgotten! This is the best honor for them.
We have no one closer to our parents in the world! A person who has passed away continues to live in his righteous deeds.
Let him be an example for all of us in difficult times. I sincerely sympathize with you for this loss!
May our memory and gratitude be the best honor. And now we must stick together, count on my help. Parents are the image of God for us.
Losing a mother is losing a part of yourself! Let me share your pain! Everlasting memory!

Regarding the death of a brother, sister

I am shocked and it hurt me to hear about this tragedy. I will miss him.
In memory of him, I am ready to support you at this moment...
When loved ones leave, this is the worst thing. I mourn with you.
She made a huge contribution to your upbringing. Your happy life will be her gratitude.
Your sister was a bright and kind person. The world has become poorer without her.
He often got us into trouble, but thanks to this we became better, we became stronger, we became kinder. Eternal memory to you, brother!

Regarding the death of a husband, wife, loved one

He was everything to you! Keep his love in your soul! She will be the best memory.
Our hearts, our memories will always keep warm memories of him...
Having learned about what happened, we were crushed for a long time and did not know what to do. But tears will not help your grief; count on us to be with you throughout the ritual procession.
I am deeply saddened by this news. It is impossible to experience these feelings painlessly. Whatever I say is just a consolation. I will be by your side to help you get through this shock...
I wish I could find words to ease your pain, but I don’t know if there are such words in all the land.
A loved one does not die, he just stops being around. In your soul and in our memory, your love will live forever.
He was your support and protection in life, now he has become your guardian angel! Love binds you with invisible threads!

Regarding the death of a child

Your grief is great, I am crushed along with you...
This is indescribable pain! How can I help you? Count on my help...
I know how much you loved him. He was your whole world, which collapsed overnight! All I can do is share your grief.
My condolences. Parental love is the strongest. The pain is inexpressible. But at this moment, the best memory of him will be to control himself. We will be by your side and help...
It is unlikely that we will ever understand why God takes away our young people! You can go crazy from such pain. But, you need to continue to live! Be strong!
Children are the most important thing we have. God forbid someone to experience such a loss! My sincere condolences...
When we heard this news, we were speechless. We feel your pain, it is enormous. Always count on our help!
It is a great human grief to lose a mother. But there is no greater grief than losing a son. Our condolences! We share your pain!
This sad news shook us like thunder. Be strong, we will always be there...

Acquaintances, friends

I sympathize with your grief.
Kingdom of heaven, may the earth rest in peace...
I see how dear he was to you, please accept my condolences...
News of death is the most painful and depressing. I can't believe it! My heart also hurts from what I heard.
No matter what, you need to continue to live and remember this person with kind words.
When grief comes to the house, no one is ready for it. And the pain is great! I will help you take this blow of fate...
I am completely saddened by the news of your loss. Words are unlikely to help, and it is inexpressible. Is there anything I can do for you in this situation?
At the moment of life loss, we understand what is most important to us. Seeing the grief that has overtaken you, I will refuse words! But remember, I am nearby!

The life of every person is filled to varying degrees with joyful and tragic events. Most people do not have any difficulties expressing emotions, understanding and perceiving happy holidays and positive life situations. But at the same time, some people find it difficult to find a few sincere words of condolences for a colleague, friend or loved one.

Psychological moment when expressing sympathy

An occasional tactless or inappropriate expression can unsettle a person who has recently experienced a tragic loss. Most often, people at such a moment are filled with unbearable pain and are emotionally unstable. Some time must always pass for a person to accept this pain, be able to cope with it and come to terms with the event that occurred.

Some need peace and solitude for a certain period of time, while others need sincere condolences for their loss. Many of the people who have experienced such grief begin to acutely feel the falsehood and pretense of their sympathizers, so it is worth behaving as tactfully as possible and not saying too much.

The essence of expressing condolences

The phrase “accept our sincere condolences” remains universal to this day; it is quite suitable for expressing grief for any reason. Of course, even such a general and short phrase (as well as any other) must be spoken completely sincerely. The word “condolence” itself can be read as “co-sympathy” or “shared illness.”

Likewise with sympathy, that is, a shared feeling. The meaning of offering condolences is to formally share the grief with the mourner and put some of his pain and suffering on one’s own shoulders. A more general meaning also implies providing any possible assistance to a person in order to somehow reduce his suffering. Many cultures believe that actions speak louder than words, an unwritten rule that applies to this situation perfectly.

What should you consider when empathizing with a bereaved person?

In addition to sincerity, you should prepare to be patient, restrained and attentive to the person who has suffered a loss. In some cases, it is better to maintain a delicate silence than to rush ahead with words of consolation. Even after offering the most sincere condolences, it is never a bad idea to ask the mourner if he needs any help, and by your appearance demonstrate your full readiness to provide the necessary support in difficult times.

Words spoken from the bottom of the heart can become a real balm for the soul for the relatives and friends of the deceased. And a few pompous phrases, uttered only to maintain decency, will only offend those present.

Condolence form

Depending on the specific circumstances, the relationship with the grieving people and the general nature of the event, a person expresses sincere condolences in different forms. Examples of forms of condolences include:

obituaries in newspaper columns;
official collective or personal condolences;
delivering a funeral speech or a few words at a funeral;
a funeral speech for a specific occasion such as an anniversary or 9 days from the date of the tragedy;
individual condolences to the loved ones of the deceased.

It is worth noting that the poetic form is more suitable for the written form of expressing grief, and prose is appropriate in both written and oral forms of offering condolences.

Ways to submit condolences

The modern world offers a slightly expanded number of communication options for offering condolences. Telegrams in the mail, which were ubiquitous literally 30 years ago, have now been replaced by instant messengers, social networks and video chats. Even e-mail perfectly replaces (at least in speed of delivery and convenience) outdated mail.

Sometimes one SMS with the text “accept my sincere condolences, be strong” is enough. However, it is recommended to send such messages only if the mourner has only a formal relationship or a distant acquaintance.

Social networks and condolences

Pages of deceased people on social networks like VK have often begun to be used as unique places for offering condolences. You can often see messages like “accept my sincere condolences, hang in there” on the wall of such an account. Sometimes relatives or friends of the deceased person continue to maintain the page, periodically updating statuses and responding to personal messages from users.

How ethical all this is is a subject of ongoing debate. It is generally accepted that relatives themselves have the right to decide whether they need to delete the page of the deceased. In addition, only relatives can contact the administration of the social network with a request to delete such an account. To do this, they will also need to provide scans or photographs of documents confirming death.

Interestingly, in addition to accounts, it is customary to create entire groups in memory of any tragic events with mass casualties, be it terrorist attacks, disasters or natural disasters. Everyone discusses the tragedy that happened and offers their condolences on the walls of such groups.

What should you pay attention to when offering condolences?

It is better to compose the text of a speech or letter of condolences for your loved ones and dearest people in your own words; you do not need to use a lot of template and routine formulations. Oral mourning should not be too drawn out, although one phrase “accept our sincere condolences” will clearly not be enough for a full speech.

Offering official condolences is usually done in writing, where it is appropriate to use a poetic syllable, designed together with several photographs of the deceased. A heartfelt poem can be taken from famous authors. If you wish, you can, of course, write your own poems, but they must be consistent in style and appropriate in content so as not to offend the memory of the deceased person.

Personal condolences are encouraged both in written and verbal form. The only requirement is exclusivity; you should not take the first text you come across on the Internet. At the very least, it is worth at least making your own edits and supplementing it. It is advisable to remember the distinctive character traits of the deceased, emphasizing his virtues such as honesty, wisdom, responsiveness, kindness, optimism, hard work or love of life.

Universal template phrases

There are a number of well-established phrases and expressions for offering condolences:

“We all mourn your irreparable loss.”
"Please accept our sincere condolences."
“Let us keep the bright memory in our hearts of the wonderful man who left us untimely.”
“We sincerely sympathize and condole your grief.”

In the future, you can offer all possible assistance financially or organizing related events using the following phrases:

“You can count on us to provide any assistance. We will help you cope with all upcoming issues."
“We will help you through this grief, support you and provide the necessary assistance to your family.”

If the deceased was a believing Orthodox Christian during his lifetime, then it would be absolutely appropriate to add the following expressions to his mournful speech:

Common mistakes in offering condolences

At times, words of comfort can only bring more pain when people make very common mistakes in composing verbal and written condolences. The most acute stage of suffering among loved ones and relatives normally lasts from 9 to 40 days. It is during this period that you need to be extremely careful and attentive to your own words.

If the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” is very general and neutral-positive, then a number of other expressions are simply not acceptable for cases of the loss of a loved one. An example would be the phrase “you’re pretty (pretty) and you’ll definitely get married (get married),” said to a widow or widower, respectively. It is equally tactless to say “no problem, give birth to a new one” to the parents of a deceased child. The general rule for banning such phrases is that the future cannot “comfort” a grieving person who has experienced a terrible loss. During the acute stage of grief, the griever is usually unable to think about his own prospects, he can only feel pain and loss in the present.

Seeking positivity in death is bad form. Such expressions of words of consolation should always be avoided. Phrases such as “he will be better there, he suffered,” “at least his father is still alive,” “you still have other children, after all,” can have exactly the opposite effect - cause sincere rejection and aggression from the grieving person. The second aspect is that such phrases can cause resentment towards the deceased, who, unlike the grieving person, no longer suffers. In the future, such thoughts can lead to a full-fledged guilt complex in the mourner.

Other unacceptable phrases when speaking words of comfort

Some say “please accept my most sincere condolences” and then add that they understand what the grieving person is feeling right now. Such phrases usually sound like this: “I understand perfectly well and know how difficult it is for you now.” This is usually not true and in some cases may even be offensive to the grieving person. It is much more appropriate to say something like “I can only imagine how bad you feel.”

Questions about the incident, clarification of details and particulars of death immediately after offering condolences are extremely inappropriate. The mourner will tell everything himself - when he is ready for it. Talking about your own difficulties and problems makes no sense and is absolutely discourteous towards the grieving person.

General etiquette rules for offering condolences

A few simple rules will help you understand how best to behave in this situation:

You cannot speak to the mourner in an overly delicate and courteous manner, avoiding touching on his feelings. Logical premises in this situation are meaningless. On the contrary, there is no need to be afraid of a flurry of emotions and to distance yourself.
A grieving person may refuse a conversation or offer of help. It is unlikely that this should be regarded as a personal insult; most likely, the person did not want to offend anyone, but it is difficult for him to pull himself together and perceive everything correctly.
You should not distance yourself from the grieving person and look for a way out and avoid the current situation. Excessive modesty should not become an obstacle to communication; it is worth at least expressing elementary words of consolation like “accept my sincere condolences for your loss.”

As already written above, the golden rule of a good mournful speech or written consolation to the mourning is the genuine sincerity of the one who wants to help with a kind word and express his good intentions.